Thursday, April 29, 2004

The kindness of strangers...

...Has helped me see the light.

Let me tell you, these last couple of weeks have been no fun for me. I got sucked into the quagmire of depression - BIG TIME. I closed the blinds, I turned off the phone, when it got dark, I didn't turn the light on, I called off on commitments I had, I slept for hours and watched TV when I wasn't sleeping...It was just AWFUL.

However, Tuesday night I heard a knock knock knocking at my door. NO ONE comes to my house before telling me, so I figured it was some kid selling something or maybe a Mormon. (click here to read what my sister had to say to some very befuddled Mormon's recently) So I heard the person leave and I crept up to the peep hole and the person came back in and it was my across the hall neighbor. I opened the door and she said, "Hey, I saw the screen was off your bedroom window and I haven't seen your car move in a couple of days, so I just wanted to check on you." I said I was fine and thanked her and closed the door.

Wow! Someone I don't even know noticed something was up!

Then, early Wednesday morning, I get a comment from Luzja who I only know from reading her blog and she says, "I've been reading your blog lately and felt compelled to write you today and say that I hope you're doing okay. You haven't written for a few days and I know what depression can do to someone...been there, still sometimes am there. Anyways...my thoughts/prayers are with you."

Wow...what sweet words from someone that doesn't even know me! (THANK YOU, Luzja!)

So Wednesday afternoon I sat on the edge of the couch, knowing that I needed to get in the shower in order to meet G for dinner and church, but really wanting to call off. However I dragged myself to the shower and got dressed and met G at our favorite salad place. G is extremely sensitive in the sense that he has figured out when to pursue a conversation with me and when to leave it alone. He will ask me how I am and how things are. He will assess by my answer if he should proceed and if he senses I don't want to talk about that, he allows me the freedom of not talking. I can't tell you how wonderful that's been. How comforting it is just to be able to talk about nothing to do with me and my unemployment and my depression unless I want to.

Wow...this friend of mine really gets me!

From the salad place we went to church. I have NEVER in my life been a person to go to church on Wednesday until recently. Our church had this neat thing going on that was called, "The Wednesday Experience." It was very casual and informal and laid back, and it was cool.

We were having a situation where people were asked to get up and tell their stories of an event that molded a part of who they are today. It was as if everyone that stood up to speak was speaking directly to me. I got up last and basically told everyone that it felt like they had all gathered before the service and said, "Hey y'all - Joan's having a tough time, let's aim everything toward her so she doesn't feel so alone." All of these "Inner Dings" kept going off. I told the story of how when my Mom was sick and I took care of her that I proved to myself and to everyone else that I was not my Mother's flighty little child that would self destruct when she died as many thought that I was. Sure, I made mistakes - some that I regret to this day, but I did it and I feel like I'm eons stronger because of it. I ended my talk saying that I ought to get back to remembering that strong woman that I was because she and I had grown apart.

When you become a member of my church, you are assigned a lay chaplain for prayer request and such. Lo and behold, my lay chaplain, Joanne, showed up at church. She asked me if I had a prayer request, and being the woman that I am, I said, "Oh HELL yes!" She prayed with me. She gave me some very good spiritual advice that was peppered with the "F" word, (the best kind of spiritual advice!) then she revealed that she is a recruiter. Now, she recruits for a completely different industry than I work in, but has this lady got connections!!! I called her this morning and I had a page full of people to call by the end of our conversation.

Wow...my church family really loves and supports me!

I came home after church and was going through the mail. I saw a card from one of my all time best friends of my life. I opened the card and out flutters a check. A SUBSTANTIAL check. He wrote, "Hi Jo-anny! I know it can be tough job hunting so here's a little something to help." I burst into tears. I cried like a baby for about 5 minutes.

Wow....he didn't have to do that! He was thinking of me and just did that! Wow!

OK God...I get it! I'm not alone. I may feel that way down to my very core sometimes, but honestly, I am not alone. Thank you for sending all of these people in my direction to help me see that. Thank you for sending people that helped me without my even knowing it.



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