Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Putting myself out there...

What I'm about to say makes me very uncomfortable. I HATE that I'm in the situation I'm in, and yet, I am. I'm trying to learn what I can from the situation, but right now, all I feel is really, really achingly raw and vulnerable.

I haven't worked since January 24, 2004. I have used up my pension and my entire 401k to make it to this point today. However, that money has dried up completely. What I currently have in my wallet is the money I have left.

I have been very, very fortunate to make it as far as I have and I am truly thankful that I've been taken care of. My friends and family have been very generous to me and I can't begin to express my appreciation for that.

I have been homeless before. It really sucks. I don't want to be homeless again. I finally have a car that I can be proud of and it would kill me if it got repossessed. Crazily enough, my credit is the best it's ever been after working SO hard to get it back in check and to lose that would be so sad.

My faith tells me to believe that God will take care of me. I do believe that. I don't think I would have gotten this far without a belief that God wants only the best for me. At the same time, flashbacks to how my life was when I was homeless and owned nothing terrify me beyond comprehension. Therefore, as much as I want to invest myself 100% in the idea that I have nothing to worry about because God wants what is best for me, I can't. I really, really want to, but my fear holds me back. So rather than being 100% invested, I'm probably about 50%, which makes me feel somewhat ashamed.

In addition, this year has not only been about my being unemployed. It's also been about finally dealing - and I mean REALLY dealing - with some demons from my past. In the past, I was so good at pretending that everything was OK, but as the years wore on, I really sucked at pretending everything was OK. My mask, that had once been steel, became paper thin. I was depressed - not blue - not upset - not sad - but really, really depressed. I was never suicidal, but I did come to the conclusion that the world would not be that changed if I wasn't around. There were long periods of time where doing anything other than watching TV and playing video games was just unfathomable.

Thanks to some very good friends and family, I finally got some help. I found a low cost, but WONDERFUL therapist, and was able to get on anti-depressants for a very low cost. After 6 months of therapy and drugs, I can say that I'm finally starting to feel good again. However it has taken almost all of that time to finally start feeling on an even keel.

So that brings me to today. I apply for jobs daily, but nothing has come through for me yet. My bank account is empty and my wallet is very thin. However, I am feeling mentally a whole lot better.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I believe in the power of prayer and the power of positive thoughts. My friend, if you could, I would really appreciate your positive prayers and/or your positive thoughts that I will find a job very soon and therefore be able to keep a roof over my head, a car to drive to and from my new job, as well as keep my credit standing decent.

If you feel led to share this with others that might be willing to offer their positive prayer and/or positive thoughts for me, I would be estatic if you did that.

In return, I offer you my undying gratitude and appreciation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!



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