Sunday, March 19, 2006


Yes, I know I've been kinda quiet. I've been feeling quiet. I've got some things on my mind that I can't discuss here that has me feeling...well, quiet. So I hope that those of you that may have been checking back here and going, "Where the hell did she go?!?" will forgive me for my silence.


This afternoon I was watching the We channel and they had this show called "John Edward Cross Country." If you don't know who John Edward is, he is a psychic medium that is able to communicate with those that have passed on. I would SO love to go to one of his shows. I like the thought that those that have passed away are still with us, but not physically. I would LOVE to hear from my Mom. I would love to hear from my Dad, too, but more so from my Mom.

Other people that knew my Mom may disagree with me, but I believe that my Mom believed in God, but was just mad as hell at him. She held a lot of resentments from her childhood that she was never able to fully let go of. Some would also say that's probably where her cancer came from, and I can't say that I disagree.

Mom had lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain. The last month or so of her life, the cancer in her brain was really doing a number on her. There were lots of times when I would look at her and know that the Mom I knew was not there. However there were times when I looked into her eyes and saw that she was lucid and there with me. One such time I got her into a wheelchair and took her outside so she could feel the sun and breeze on her skin. She tried to talk to me seriously about things that were on her mind about me. I know she worried that I would fall to pieces after she died. However her brain and her mouth were not cooperating and I only understood part of what she was trying to tell me, however I looked into her eyes and saw the concern that was there.

We tried to have hospice come to her at her house so that she could die at home among her things. When this was first being set up, she was visited by many different facets of hospice, including the chaplain. I must admit that I looked on anxiously while the Chaplain was there in hopes that she might be having a lucid moment while the Chaplain was talking to her. I don't think that was the case. She was smiling and nodding, but I don't think she was truly there.

I followed the Chaplain out to the car as he was leaving and asked him if he thought she would go to heaven if she was mad at God. He really didn't have an answer for me. That was so unsettling for me.

Since that fall day in 1996, I've grown in my own spirituality and faith and I believe that she is in a happier place and is with me always in my heart. However, I would love to hear what she has to say to me, my sister and my nephew. So much has happened over the last almost 10 years since she's died.

I didn't fall to pieces after Mom died, I wanted to, but I didn't want to prove my Mom and everyone else right by doing that. So instead, I loaded up the U-Haul and moved outside of the state of Texas for the first time in my 29 years and started a new life for myself in the Atlanta area. I reconciled with my Dad and was able to be here for the end of his life. I have made a lot of really good friends and have learned so many lessons.

My sister moved away from Texas and finally got to live by the sea for a while before moving to the Mountains and meeting her Prince Charming.

My nephew finished high school and then worked for a few years before starting college. He's grown so much as a person and he's a really amazing young man.

I think first and foremost, Mom would say that she is so proud of us and what we've done. I just wonder what else she would share with us?

I love and miss you more than I can say, Momma.

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