Monday, October 30, 2006

Helpful Halloween Tips 

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to
see if it's really dead. It isn't.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement or attic, especially if the power is out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that
they should not know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save
you much grief in the long run; however, it will take several rounds
to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who
speaks with someone else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule
also applies to any other house of the dead.

8. If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and
find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits. Leave the area immediately.

10. Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like
it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.

11. If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice--more if you are female. Also note that despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania,
Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in
Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small
town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you
think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you
had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die
anyway and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.

18. If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is
the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies to
homes whose previous inhabitants went mad, committed suicide or
died in some other horrible fashion.

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