Saturday, January 19, 2008

92.2 Pounds Lost 

I lost 3.5 pounds last week. I'm feeling pretty good about that, but I must admit that I'm having a low day.

I thought I felt better after my group session today and after talking to my sister, but in reality, perhaps I need to just feel what I feel. I do need to make sure that I don't stay here in this low place.

Part of the reason that I'm feeling blue is that I finally reached the milestone of being the same weight I was when my Mom was still alive. It's a great thing, but at the same time, it's sad too.

When I was 28, my Aunt T and Uncle Ed offered to help me out by letting me stay with them while I looked for a real job (read: not retail) and dug myself out of a financial hole.

I was just on the cusp of feeling like I was getting to where I could be independent, when Mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. At that time, Mom thought she would be able to get herself to and from her treatments and remain independent, but soon after we found out the cancer had already moved to the brain and driving was out of the question. I quit my job and moved in with her.

Now, please know that I'm not trying to make myself out to be some great martyr and have people think that I was this great daughter for making this sacrifice. I was far, far, far from even thinking about being within the vicinity of the same solar system from being a great daughter. However, after carrying around a lot of guilt for that, I've finally had to make peace with the fact that I did the best I could considering the excruciatingly horrible situation we were in.

So since 1996, I ate myself through Mom's illness and death, through moving to a new town where I only knew one other person, through a couple of really hard and unhealthy relationships, through the death of my Dad, through 9/11/01 and through 15 months of unemployment. Eating your way though all of that, my friends, is the way to gain 90 pounds.

But I lost those 90 pounds (92.2 pounds to be exact!) and I truly am very proud of myself for having accomplished that. I still have a lot of weight yet to lose, but I feel that I will be successful in losing that weight, too. I may love and adore food, but I hated being as big as I was even more.

So here I am today reflecting on the fact that I'm back to square one. I really want to look at this as an extremely liberating and empowering time, and I will. However today I'm back in the shoes of a 28 year old girl (I don't think I had graduated to being a woman yet back then) and feeling the insecurity that comes with asking yourself, "Now what?"

That 28 year old girl was trying so hard to not grow up to be her Dad: A lovable and fun, but extremely unreliable and irresponsible person. At the same time, she was trying hard not to end up like her Mom: Smiling on the outside but devastatingly disappointed with her life on the inside.

That girl wasn't real sure what she wanted, but she knew she was tired of not being able to afford to have a phone and only having $5.00-10.00 a week for groceries.

I think that I need to briefly feel sad for that 28 year old girl, and when I'm done, then I need to leave her behind and continue moving forward. Who knows what might have happened if circumstances had been different? I can't afford the luxury of dwelling on that too long. I do know that I learned some extremely valuable lessons in the last 12 years, and as most of you that know me well know, I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Peace Love and Happiness.

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