Saturday, March 20, 2004

This is what happens...

...when you get 4 guys and a girl with a gutful of sugar and coffee sitting around a coffee house:

She opened her legs - gasping with anticipation. His heat-seeking member zeroed in on her hole o' love. All of a sudden the phone rang. It was his mother. She told him she was very disappointed that he would spend time with a whore of Babylon like her. He should come because water was leaking from her stovepipe. The tornado must have caused it, she said. He thought this was odd since his mother had been dead for 10 years having been killed in the big one of '93. He wondered to himself, "Where the heck did this darned horsefly come from??" He wandered outdoors - still naked from the waist down. He stared intently at a Chevy truck and thought he might escape, but then a sheep wandered up and said, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" He turned to the sheep, "Who am I?" "You're a very bad boy, Theodore. Why did you leave the wading boots at home?" It's a hot, tawdry night and I'm in the mood for miniature golf. But where can I go with this damn "terminal" erection, anyway. Not anyplace like that. OUCH, shit, another damn piercing. When did that happen? "I'm going to have to lay off the sangria. 3 genital piercings are enough - then again, I kind of enjoy the guards down at the courthouse frisking me when I set off the metal detector." The COURTHOUSE!! He suddenly remembered - he ran to the aforementioned Chevy Truck and motored frantically to the aforementioned courthouse. He leaped out of the truck hearing the familiar "clink clink clink" of his genital piercings. Then he was intrigued by Burger King's low carb menu. He, also known as Zerkel 627, zipped through the drive through. "I'd like a tofosnooti and a big orange drink." When he tried to pay at the window and asked for extra ketchup, the ghetto-fabulous Burger King employee attacked him with her 8 inch nails and sucked his soul. She entered his soul and drove to Waffle House to show this to her big cocked daddy, PN Twatty. He wasn't there so she returned to work, manning the drive thru. Later she moved to fries and was hit by a bus. THE END.

No drugs or alcohol were involved in the writing of the above story. No animals or small children were hurt during the writing of the above story. Any resemblance of the above story to your story (and God help you if it does resemble it) is purely coincidental.


Thursday, March 18, 2004

This is a love letter to my sister

When I was itty bitty, I adored my sister. I thought she was the coolest thing in the whole wide world.

We had our differences of course, as sisters do. We fought over what we thought were extremely important things. She once knocked me off a barstool because I got the "pretty" spoon to eat my cereal with. I learned to like dark meat chicken because after Mom and Dad, she got what was left of the white meat.

We lived in a cute little house in Ft. Worth on Piedmont Rd. One Spring we had a lot of nighttime thunderstorms, and I was always running to Mom and Dad's bed for comfort. Finally they had enough and told me I was not to come running to their bed that night. Inevitably the storms came and I was scared to death. I walked up to Mom and Dad's door but then remembering what I had been told, turned away. Where could I go? I couldn't be alone during this storm! Ah ha! Sissy's room! I tip toed into her room and woke her up. She rolled over and made room for me and feeling safe and secure with my sister, I went right to sleep.

The next morning, Mom and Dad woke up realizing that despite the storm, I hadn't bothered them that night. They looked in my room - I wasn't there. They looked in the bathroom - I wasn't there. Nope, not in the kitchen or the back yard either. Panic began to set in and they went to wake up my sister to get her to help look for me. They opened the door and saw both of us were sound asleep in her bed.

When she was 11 and I was 4, circumstances that are too long to explain here, kept us from each other for 10 very long years. During that time apart, I would find our family pictures and lay in the floor and look at them. They were evidence that I did have a sister. Someone who played Barbies with me (I still have a secret fascination with Barbies) and who drew smiley faces. (I love smiley faces to this day) I wanted my Sissy back so bad.

Then, for circumstances that are again too long to explain here, all of the pictures were lost. It was like I lost my sister all over again. All evidence of her was gone. I was absolutely devastated.

Fast forward to when we were finally reunited. This beautiful 21 year old redhead came to the door and I knew who she was immediately. My heart was beating so hard! I opened the door and she asked for our Mom. I let her in and kind of stood there not knowing what to say. I finally said, "Your M, right?" She said yes. I said, "I'm J!" We just kind of looked at each other for a second, not really knowing what to do or say. Thus was the beginning of the second part of our lives.

Fast forward again. M got married, had my beautiful nephew, and unfortunately divorced. She was living with husband #2, and Mom and I had gone to their house for a visit. We were sitting on the back porch talking. M had gone to another part of the house and had come back and just threw something in front of me on the table. I casually looked down and saw that it was a picture of her and I in Easter dresses when we were little girls. It was the only picture that remained of her and I when we were kids in the whole wide world. I burst into tears. Mom and M looked at each other not really understanding why I was suddenly bawling. However to me, she had just thrown something more precious than gold to me. Validation of the memory of when I was itty bitty, I adored my sister.

I love you, Sissy.


Sunday, March 14, 2004

That's what Astroglide is for...

...sound familiar? Well then you must be a reader of my sister's blog. She was having a dry spell recently and that was the comment that I made to her. I am so dry that tumbleweeds and dust storms are forming. Just not having a lot of creative stuff to say. So I'm stealing my line that I gave to her.

Jef, on the other hand, has been writing enough for all three of us. He has been mighty prolific of late. I think it's wonderful. Writing is a passion of his and I'm so glad that he's finding a medium to do it (almost) daily.

My nephew is very sporadic in his blogging. He won't blog for a month and then he'll blog daily and then we won't see him again. He is also one of the most cynical people I know! His mother and I sometimes look at each other and say, "Where'd that come from?!!?" I don't remember being that cynical at that age. Jef says I was when I had a few drinks in me. I guess that makes me glad that I don't drink much any more! ;-)

I'm worrying about Natalie at Picklejuice. She has not blogged for 9 days as of this writing. I've been reading her for a while and I've never had to go so long with out fresh Picklejuciness! I hope all is well with her and hers.

If you ever wanted to peek into the life of a Canadian Guy living with his Chinese wife in Hong Kong, you've got to check out "Big White Guy." His is not your humorous blog, though it has it's funny parts, but to me it's just interesting seeing life in Hong Kong through his eyes.

It would be interesting to see how many people read Belle De Jour. My nephew tells a story of how he was at work and happened to be reading her blog when a man he'd never seen before walks in the front door of where he was working. The stranger looked at the computer screen and said, "Oh you read her, too?" Some people speculate that she is not really a London Call Girl, but just a writer. I say, so what? Either way, she's a good writer and her postings are interesting!

So now that I have checked in on my blog friends and family, I can now go about my day and look forward to their next post.

Take care and have a great week, everyone!


Sunday, March 07, 2004

Not trying to harp on the subject...

...but DAMN! The weather has been SO nice!

Yesterday I met a friend and her kid for lunch. Traffic was not the best, but I wasn't going to let it bother me. I just figured, I'll get there when I get there. When I did finally get there, we sat on the patio of the establishment. There were good tunes playing in the background and an all around good vibe going on.

Afterward we went to Barnes and Noble and looked around there. We had originally planned to go to the park, but my friend had fallen out of the mood to go. I still wanted to go so off I went. Once again, traffic was not the best. However, I had no place to be at any certain time. I just rolled down my windows, cranked the tunes and motored along. I got to the park and there weren't any parking places that were closer than a mile, so I just enjoyed a day of driving around and singing in my car. It was very nice.

Today I went to church and then to lunch with M. She had met T at the gym and lo and behold he showed up at church, so he came with us. We went to Sweet Tomatoes and partook of mass quanities of salad and soft serve ice cream. We talked about Sheep and Barney in unflattering ways. It was quite humorous!

I drove home and treated myself to a lovely nap. Oh my goodness, I love naps. They are so luxurious and wonderful. Ahhh....did I mention I love naps?

Tonight I drove home from my class feeling good. Some good boogie on the radio, the moon was absolutely gorgeous and I was feeling so grateful. Despite what it may seem, life really is good.


Thursday, March 04, 2004

Summertime and the living is easy...

...OK, it's not summertime yet, but the weather has been so great! Last night I went to dinner with a friend and afterward, we just drove around the city. My friend lives in Atlanta, but has not gotten around the city a lot, so he was just soaking up all the scenery. I forget how much I like this city until I see it through another's eyes.

This weekend I have plans to go on a picnic and kite flying at Piedmont Park with a friend and her kid. Doesn't that sound fun? I haven't flown a kite in years! My Dad and I used to go out to Benbrook Lake just outside of Ft. Worth, TX when I was a kid and we would fly kites and watch the radio controlled planes.

Say! If you haven't already done so, check out my friend Jef's blog entitled "Cult of Jef." He has been mighty prolific lately and he has all sorts of opinions and comments about stuff that will make you think. I'm not sure what you'll think, but you'll think nonetheless. ;-)

Until next time, find a way to enjoy the great outdoors!

Fare thee well!


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