Conversations With A Woman 2.0

I got nothin'

So I've been waiting for some epiphany of cleverness to hit me so that I could give you, gentle reader, some blogging goodness. At this point in time, all I can do is quote my friend, G, "I got nothin'."

(DISCLAIMER: Actually, that's not really G's personal quote. He stole it from the tall guy on "Who's line is it anyway?" and "The Drew Carey Show.")

Natalie at Pickle Juice claims to have a link to a picture of Betty White "au naturel" on her blog. I showed it to my sister who in turn showed it to her friend K, and K says that's not Betty. I asked my sister to ask K if she's seen Betty nekkid before. K says she has. Hmmm....I think K is showing us a side of herself we've never seen...

This alleged Betty-looking person has small pointy breast. If I had to choose, I would not choose to have small pointy breast. I like my breast round and actual sized. However God saw fit to give me round and humongous. Even if I were thin, they would be round and humongous. Oy vey!

My sister has moved to the current world headquarters of "Mullet wear-ers of America." I told her that if she makes friend with an unmarried woman in a mullet, to not invite her to sleep in her bed unless she wants to do some lesbian experimentation.

Alrighty...I'm going to end this politically incorrect blog right now before I get an email from the ACLU....


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Be careful what you ask for?

It was Thursday, January 15, 2004. My Creative Visualization group was meeting and we wrote down a list of things that we wanted to eliminate from our lives. Those who wanted to could share some of the entries on their list. S mentioned that she wanted to eliminate the need to work for her employer. I liked that! I told S that I was going to be a copycat and add that to my list along with eliminating celibacy. She did not object.

After the meeting, we went out in J's backyard and fired up the chimenera. We set our elimination list on fire and watched the sparks fly and the smoke rise.

It was Friday, January 23, 2004. I got fired.

First, I reacted in anger, then I was hopeful. (All within the course of about 2 hours.) Then I took a nap and when I woke up, I was in despair. All of my chattering monkeys had come out of the woodwork to scream in my ear about what a loser I was. They were saying some mighty ugly and hurtful things to me, them monkeys! I basically just laid back and let it all flow over me in defeat. "Yes, you are right, I am everything you say I am and worse."

Before I fell into my deep well of despair, I had sent an email out to everyone in my address book letting them know that I was in the market for a job, and asking them for their prayers.

Apparently, they listened. I got a lot of emails with advice and good thoughts and prayers. I got a lot of phone calls, again filled with advice and good thoughts and prayers. Then this morning I started feeling better - just out of the blue.

Friday night, in the depths of my despair, I was letting the monkey's mock me with, "Be careful what you ask for, Joan! You just might get it!" Tonight, I sit here a lot more hopeful, and I'm having faith that this experience will be a blessing. I haven't liked my job for a long time and had been giving lip service to getting another job for quite some time. I do believe that I've been given a nudge to get out of the dead end job and get on to something else, and that something else will be wonderful.

Friends, please continue to send me your good thoughts and prayers. I am always sending you mine.

The only other question I have is this: If the universe responded so quickly to my request to eliminate the need to work for my employer, does this mean that I'm going to get laid soon because I asked to eliminate celibacy? That would sure take my mind off of being unemployed! ;-)


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"If you feel incomplete...

...you alone must fill yourself with love in all your empty, shattered spaces."

Wow.

Logically I know this, but this is by far the best way that I've seen it said. This is courtesy of Oprah and is on the last page of the February 2004 issue.

My sister and I recently revealed to each other that we are both scared to death we are going to end up like our Mother. Don't get us wrong. We both loved our Mother, but Mom did not do that well in the Love department. At a relatively young age, she pretty much just gave up. Neither of us want that for ourselves or each other.

I have recently come to the realization that I had pretty much given up for quite a while. It's like my eyes popped open and I thought to myself, "But what about me?" Not in the selfish sense, but in the sense that I've been taking care of other people for so long that I forgot how to take care of me. I felt incomplete. So now I am filling up all my empty, shattered spaces with love.

Not that you can ever truly reach a saturation point of loving yourself, if you are loving yourself for the right reasons, but I am feeling a whole lot less incomplete. I am ready for someone to be in my life. For us to form a mutual admiration society. I love me and I love you and you love me and you love you! How perfect is that! I feel my day is coming soon. The person I am supposed to spend my life with is on his way.

In the meantime, I'm really diggin' Joan.

:-D
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Take a moment to think...

...what it would be like if you were looking at the possibility that your mate would be forced to leave you for a minimum of 3 years. Pretty harrowing, huh?

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know I love a blog called "Pickle Juice." Natalie, who is the author of the blog, is married to Andy. Andy is English and if things do not improve soon for their family, Andy could potentially be deported. Andy and Natalie are raising 3 kids. Can you imagine what it would be like to suddenly have your Dad taken away?

Natalie has a pay pal account that you can link via her blog. If you have some extra bucks to help their family, it would be appreciated more than can be expressed.

If you can't help financially, (and even if you can) I hope you'll consider helping spiritually. Send this family your positive thoughts and prayers. Natalie and Andy WILL get jobs. Their family WILL NOT be separated.

~~~~~~~~~

So last night was our company's holiday party. It was a real hoity toity affair at the the Atlanta Hilton in Downtown Atlanta. My sister was supposed to join me, but in the interim went and got herself transferred to another state and had to pack this weekend! So I asked another redhead to join me!

M & I had a blast! We got all dressed up in the hotel room and went downstairs to join the festivities. M was absolutely amazed at the amount of food. We had lots of wine and lots of food! It was great!

We went to check out the Karaoke room and since I had quite a few glasses of liquid confidence, I decided to sing. Wouldn't you know it? About 10 of my immediate co-workers showed up and when I told them I was singing, they hung out and supported me. It was great! I sang Bonnie Raitt's, "I can't make you love me." It went over really well and I had a good time!

In one of the other ballroom's, this party band was playing. They were really, really good. They had people up and dancing and singing all night long. There was one lady in particular that was just amazing! Her name is Alfreda Gerald. She had a voice to die for and was workin' the crowd like nobody's business. M insisted that we go talk to her after their set, and it turns out that she tours with Yanni! She is a really sweet spirit and an amazing lady. I think we should be looking out for her to release something of her own any day now.

By the end of the party, M & I were exhausted, but happy. I got the luxury of staying at the hotel, but unfortunately M has wiener dogs and had to go home to tend to them. A good time was had by all!

I woke up this morning and I was sore. I didn't think I shook my groove thang that hard, but I guess I did! I still managed to make it up and to church. However now, a nap is sounding very very very good. I think I will partake of such right now...

Have a good rest of the weekend!

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I am eliminating celibacy from my life!!!

Tonight I met with my Creative Visualization group and we talked about many things. We talked about goals we accomplished from last year, goals we want to accomplish for this year, and any unfinished business, which is a tidy way of saying, things we didn't do last year that we are putting on this year's list.

We also completed a list of "Things I Want To Eliminate From My Life." The two most important things that I want to eliminate from my life is celibacy and the necessity to continue working for my current employer. We then marched out to the chimenera and set our list on FIRE! It was COOL! My inner Beavis wanted to come out and play! Wish me luck that I am able to eliminate these things from my life!

S was talking about how she has gotten fed up with ER and decided it's not an efficient use of her time and therefore does not watch it anymore. What got her ire up, you ask? Well, if you've been watching ER, you'll remember that Carter went back to Africa to find Luka and then ended up staying there. While he was there, he met another medical professional, they hooked up and lo and behold they got pregnant.

S's problem with this was: What the hell was Carter and this other medical professional doing in Africa (world leader of AIDS cases) having unprotected sex? THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER, DAMN IT!

She was also ticked off that they didn't seem to be following Weaver's relationship with her girlfriend. Stupid Carter, no lesbian action, and S has washed her hands of ER.

Wouldn't you know it? Tonight Weaver and her girlfriend have their baby! There were touching vulnerable moments with Weaver being scared for her baby and letting Abby do a spinal tap. Rest assured, the moment the commercial came on, I called S & P and told S she may have to start watching ER again! Lesbian action is back!

One more day until the 3 day weekend....YAY!

Non-celibately,

Joan


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You are beautiful...

...and so am I.

I'll tell you. I've about had it with this world we live in and the way we are all so superficial. Did no one listen to their Mother's when they said, "Pretty is, is pretty does?"

So I've been listening to a friend lament about how he is lonely and wants someone in his life. I asked him, "What are you looking for in a woman?" He immediately starts rattling off statistics: Blonde, 5 ft 4 in, athletic, faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound - it's a bird - it's a plane - it's A WOMAN THAT RARELY EXISTS! OK...maybe he didn't do the bullet and bounding part, but you get where I'm going, right?

I knew it would do no good, but I said it anyway: "You know, beauty comes in many forms." This was met with, "Yeah, I know, but..."

Men! Geesh!

I know women aren't THAT much better, but I'm pickin' on the men folk tonight.

Take me for instance: I am beautiful. I am not "classically" beautiful. I am not 5 ft 10 in and rail thin and perfect complexion and perfect teeth and yadda, yadda, yadda.

I am a big woman. I have dark brown hair with a growing number of gray hairs in it that I have EARNED. I have hazel eyes, long eyelashes and a great smile. I have boobs that I would gladly share with others because I was overly blessed. (Even if I was thin, I'd be overly blessed.) There's nothing about me that is small or average, and I don't just mean my body. I have a big personality. It has mellowed out over the years, but it's still pretty big. I can talk politely with diplomats, but I can cuss like a sailor. I have smiled through things that would make you cry like a baby. I cry like a baby when someone shares with me their own pain. I have a big heart. I have been told that I "love too much." I don't agree. I will love you and be loyal to you until you give me a reason not to love and be loyal to you, and sometimes even longer than that. I want to help people. I want to be a mirror to them so they can see their own beauty, talents and worth. I want to help those less fortunate than me, just like I was helped when I was less fortunate. I have big ears. That's not to say that I'm listening in on your private conversation, but I will listen intently to what you have to say to me. I will keep my mouth shut if you need me to, and I will offer my take on the situation if you ask me to. I have a big laugh. If I think something's funny, there will be no doubt about it. I love to laugh and cut up and tease and tell off color jokes. I am fun to be around. I am a big romantic. I love flowers, poems, or just little tokens of affection. I give great hugs, I'm a fantastic kisser and I'm even better in bed.

How much you wanna bet, that if any men read this, the majority stopped reading after I wrote, "I am a big woman?"

Pity.

One day one of you guys will be thanking God that you have me "until death do us part," and wondering how you ever got along without me.

Beauty comes in many forms...



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If Saturday were a person, I would ask it to marry me...

I love Saturdays! They are so wonderful! The ability to sleep in and make plans or not make plans! I just love it!

Today was really nice. I went over to L & G's house and we went to get some lunch at Sweet Tomatoes. All the while we are there, we are cautioning each other not to eat too many carbs (because it would make us sleepy) and not drink too much (because it would make us pee). This was because we were off to finally see LOTR!

We went to the theatre at Discover Mills and it was really nice. I promptly got comfortable and even though I was enjoying the movie, kept trying to nod off. I finally got up and got me a vat of Diet Coke and stayed awake the rest of the movie.

The movie was really good! It got 6 thumbs up from the 3 of us. I thought it did a really nice job of tying all of the story lines up in a nice little bow. Granted, they may not have ended the way the books did, but G & I agreed that was just fine with us.

I was a big copy cat of Pickle Juice and did a Friend Test. Congratulations to H who is the highest scorer so far (besides me)! If you care to try the test, click here. By the way, the highest score you can get is 90 on my test.

Well, I am off to do some chores and compare the Dido CD's at the request of G. Have a great weekend!


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I complain about my job but...

...where else can you work with a woman who looks like Jackie O from the neck up, but Jacqueline Kennedy from the neck down?

R wore this little suit to work today that was SO Jacqueline Kennedy! The only thing that would have made it better is if she had a little pill hat to go with it. When we pointed this out to S, she didn't think it was that believable because there were no brains splattered on the front.

Later, R went out and got her great big humongous sunglasses and with her shoulder length brown hair and those glasses, she morphed into Jackie O.
R was getting into the Jacqueline/Jackie thing. She was workin' it!

Things I have thought about this week:

If I ever have any plastic surgery done, I would have a breast reduction and lift. I don't think my nipples have seen the sun since I was about 14.

When I get married, I want to live in a house that has at least 3 bedrooms: His, Mine and Ours. I would also like to have one of those huge showers with a bench in it that has the rain shower head from the ceiling and the jets coming out of the walls, too.

If you call a goat a pig, have you really accomplished anything?

OK...actually that last one is a running joke with J and I. When we were young and impetuous we would go to "Cruisin' the Crossroads" on Cedar Springs in Dallas. One night, a group of us are sitting on the patio of this now defunct sandwich place. They had the BEST veggie sandwich! But I digress...

So we're sitting there on the patio watching all the people go by and reading this paper. It wasn't the Dallas Observer or the Voice, but some comedy rag. Anyway, we're reading it and come across, "If you call a goat a pig, have you really accomplished anything?" J and I laughed SO HARD...we laughed long and we laughed loud. The others in our group were just looking at us and saying, "What the hell are y'all going on about?" We read it to them, but no one thought it was nearly as funny as J and I. That made it even funnier to us. We hadn't even partaken of any mind altering substances either. Later, J had the saying put on a notepad. That is, of course, the true sign of the staying power of a phrase, you know!

I was talking to a friend of mine today, and he was explaining how he loves to be the person who gives things to people, but he's very uncomfortable in receiving. He said that it made him feel like he "owed" the other person. In this day and age of "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," I can understand how a person would feel that way. However, it doesn't take away from how sad that is! I know I have been guilty of this, and I have been working very hard on changing myself, but why have we perpetuated that behavior? If I give you something, I give you something. It should not necessarily result in you giving me something back. I'm not only talking about the tangible give and take, but the intangible too.

OK...there are things that you could point at that says that it is law - that this is the way of the world. For instance, The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I think some people (and I was one of them) think that if you treat someone like you want to be treated, that automatically means they will treat you the same. Ideally they would, but it ain't necessarily so. You may treat someone wonderfully, and in turn, they treat you like the lowest form of scum. However, somewhere down the line, someone else totally unrelated to the first situation my treat you like the rarest of jewels. When they do, it's appreciated even more.

It's like that Dave Matthews song that says, "Everything I give you comes back to me." The thing you have to remember is that this also pertains to the crappy way you might treat people as well. You treat people good, someone will treat you good too. You treat people like crap, crap is coming your way, buddy.

I guess it boils down to this: Everything you give, will be given back to you. You just can't choose who it will come back to you from or what form it will take.

Alrighty...I'm taking my philosophizing butt to bed, but before I do I'll leave you with this thought: (to semi-quote a James Taylor song) Shower the people you love with love and show them the way you feel. Life is too short to do otherwise.

Peace, Love and Happiness,

Joan

// posted by Joan @ 12:08 AM

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Fred is passed out on the floor...

...however that is her usual condition as she sleeps 20 hours a day. In my next life, I want to be a house cat!

This weekend was very nice. My main goal was to finally get over being sick. I think I've succeeded! I feel somewhat perky now. I don't think I've felt perky in quite some time. At least since before Thanksgiving.

I watched "A Mighty Wind" this weekend. It was great. I love just about anything Christopher Guest and his group do. However I must agree with J that "Best in Show" is my favorite.

I also watched "Bend It Like Beckham." That was a very cute movie! It took me forever to realize that the main character is now on ER. I kept looking at her and saying, "Where have I seen her!??!"

Today I went to church. God, I love my church! The people there are so great and I just love Rev. John. I always feel so comfortable there. Not to mention the fact that I leave there feeling better about the next week.

Today during church I witnessed a young boy who lost a tooth. He left the sanctuary and came back with it in a paper towel. He was so proud. His mother quietly showed his sister, and then they went back to paying attention to the service.

After the service I rode with this family in the van down to the satellite parking. I said, "I saw that you lost a tooth during the service today!" The little boy beamed brightly, "Yes I did! How did you know?" "I saw you when you showed your Mom!" His little sister didn't want to be left out so she very proudly said, "I have one that's about to come out! I tried to pull on it, but it wouldn't come out during the service!" Her mother quietly told her it would come out when it was ready and not before. It was so cute!

After church, J, J and I met R and Sweet Tomatoes for lunch. It had been a while since I had seen R and it was good to see him. He is about to journey to South America. (?) He is most excited about all of the cool pockets in his new shirt and the fact his new pants are also shorts! He was so cute!

J gave me a beautiful gift. It was a little box that she hand painted with some wine glass thingys that you put on your glass so you can tell it from someone else's. I know they have a formal name, but for the life of me, I can't think of what it is right now! It was totally unexpected and very appreciated. (THANK YOU, J!)

Please send your healthy thoughts to my friend C who is facing some potential health challenges. She is having a test on Monday. Please pray that everything is benign.

Well, I think a nice shower is going to be the way to end this very nice weekend. I hope you have a wonderful week!

Mucho Grande Amor!

Joan


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HAPPY NEW YEAR, 2004!

New Year's Eve was pretty low key. However, that was OK.

I worked until 6:30pm, ran home and packed an overnight bag, and headed to the airport to pick J up. We went from there to church for the "Burning Bowl" service. Man, were we surprised at the crowd! It was an Easter Sunday or Mother's Day crowd!

As we entered the church, we were given a piece of what looked like tissue paper, a regular piece of paper and an envelope. We were instructed to write what we wanted to release from our lives on the tissue paper (which was actually "flash" paper) We then went forward to a bowl with a flame in it and watched our "flash" paper flash into nothingness. It was pretty amazing how quickly it was gone!

After that was done, we were told to write a letter to God advising what we'd like to see happen in 2004. When we finished, we addressed envelopes to ourselves and next November, the church will mail the letters back to us to see what became of our desires that we wrote down. Pretty cool, huh?

By then it was 9:00pm and J and I had not eaten anything since lunch time. We were both ravenous and went in quest of food. We ended up at this place called "Max and Erma's" and it was very tasty. We both agreed that we were so hungry that we ate too much.

We then headed back to J's house and proceeded to just relax and watch some DVDs of French and Saunders that he got for Christmas. I conked out early and by 1, J was waking me up to go downstairs to bed.

Today has been very very low key. I left J's by 1 and headed home. I stopped and got some Taco Bell for lunch, I came home, ate my lunch and feel asleep on the couch. I'm so stressed out....NOT! It's been a very nice day.

Luckily I just have to work tomorrow and then I have Saturday and Sunday off! YAY!

CONGRATULATIONS to L on getting the job and all the perks she asked for! YAY! I hope this turns out to be a stellar year for you, L & G! I know the last couple were kinda lean.

Here's to everyone having the kind of year they wish for in 2004!


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